The Quarter Life Crisis of an Ashkenazi Princess

I can't say that I've had a bad day, only that I've had a particularly lonely and sad day. I don't think I like Josh anymore, I'm not attracted to him and never have been but I don't even want to fucking talk about that. I know you shouldn't make any brash decisions or ruminate on feelings when you're HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired)... these days I'm edging towards the LT more and more frequently.  Today I went to the Bryant Park Winter Village. Where the fuck has the time gone? What happened to the girl that loved doing things alone? I walked through today surrounded by people and felt entirely and singularly alone. No cheap dopamine hit can help me at this point--not a song, podcast, weed, dating app--fucking nothing. At this point I'm so confused about how I feel all the time and regularly shift between feeling like I've freed myself from the men of my past to not feeling like I've moved forward even a singular inch.  Last year ...

I've self-sabotaged to the point where I no longer know what I want, what I don't want, what is good for me, what to let go of, what to prioritize, and what I can't even quantify.  My heart aches so badly for the type of love, lust, or whatever the fuck messy complicated emotion of longing and deep deep connection with the type of people that have been far and few between.  What does it feel like to walk into a bar and not want anyone else but the person you're with? I've forgotten the last time I felt that way. It's not the worst struggle in the world but Jesus fuck does it hit home right now. Flirting is fun but it stops being fulfilling when nothing comes to fruition. I almost went home with Josh tonight but as we were approaching his apartment I decided to come home on my own and not have sex with him. To be fair is was nearly 3am when I made this decision and I'm basically a zombie right now, but I needed to do this, to journal, to be on my own and refl...