The Quarter Life Crisis of an Ashkenazi Princess

Published late; entry is from from Summer 2024 I'm so secure in my relationship and anxiously attached in real life that the unbalance is about to tip my relationship over. That's basically the mantra of my life right now. I put off writing this entry for weeks but my laptop was burning a hole in my nightstand and my heart was being tugged right towards it. Then tonight when I finally picked it back up I realized I was so hesitant to write down my feelings and struggles that I started associating journaling with unearthing the bad. I want to have a positive association with journaling, and excitement about never knowing what was going to turn up on the pages. The pleasure and wisdom I would get reading my entry months later. So, I'm making an executive decision that not all of this blog post has to be negative. I'll do my best. So anyways, I started getting anxiety earlier this summer after a trip to Philly with Danielle, Hannah and Talia. I had been getting anxious whi...

I want to capture this feeling. I just finished a therapy session (I've been seeing one now for a few weeks) and we talked about Matt, perfectionism, and radical acceptance). In the spirit of not wanting to be a perfectionist, I decided to sit down and start writing instead of waiting for the 'perfect' moment to strike.  Where did we leave off? I live with Jason now. We moved in about 8 months ago, to a sleek, perfect 2-bedroom/2-bathroom apartment with a sleek, perfect view of Brooklyn from 49 floors up. Even though I have a life that most people kill for,  I, unable to let myself enjoy things or be happy for myself, have spent a good amount of that time questioning everything. Surprisingly, and this one's a shocker, money and the perfect relationship did not fix all my problems.  I still have social anxiety, coming and going in waves; in fact, I had (what I think was) my first panic attack a few weeks ago, which launched my long-needed therapy journey. For this, I am ...

 does the fact that I haven't written in almost a year mean I must be down bad to be finally journaling now? It's the day after Yom Kippur. I haven't journaled on YK the past couple of years, maybe I was lazy or just didn't feel like it. I'm trying not to judge myself for these things. I didn't want to write yesterday and instead slept and went on my phone. I didn't anticipate wanting to write today but then I had a super vivid dream about a certain ex and it kind of fucked up my morning.  I'm living with Jason now, and I think I'm really happy about it. We have the most beautiful apartment, my dream apartment, and I rely on him in so many ways. He takes care of me. He supports me, he loves me unconditionally. He makes me feel unequivocally safe. I see a future with him, clear as day.  A few months ago, matt reached out unexpectedly and told me of girlfriend troubles and wanted to get lunch. This threw me into a crisis; a choice that I never thought ...

About trauma, with Hannah Gilman who's a therapist, and it got me thinking about how everyone has issues and very few people know how to voice it, or even understand what's going on. Well, here's what's been going on with me: 1. I love Jason more than anyone in my life and think I'm going to marry him. I need to not keep avoiding trying to type that or say that our loud because for some reason it scares me. The same thing I have been wanting to achieve my whole life is starting to scare me because it's getting closer and closer and becoming real.  Dog. Engagement. Marriage. House. Pregnant (what???). Raising kids (couldn't imagine). Perhaps, regardless of who was by my side, I'd be scared shitless of these milestones simply because they are irreversable life changes. I will say though, Jason is the first guy who has had me seriously envisioning these things. And with him, it's never looked clearer. He said once, coyly, "You know I'll make yo...

I got the impulse to start writing again (I'm going to call it writing from now on, not journaling--to give it more credibility and myself more freedom for content) because of the HBO series Girls OKAY, I'm coming back to continue this blog post a few days later. I know it's been exceptionally long since I've written, and the thought just occurred to me (ocurred?) that maybe I've been reluctant to write because I didn't want to articulate the struggles I've been going through and immortalize them by actually acknowledging them.  ANd yeah, maybe I had to run out to a bodega 7 minutes away at 9:30pm on a 3-day weekend to buy coconut water for myself while I'm 10mg high on an edible. And some kind of cool rasta alt playlist that's surprisingly fun to journal to.  But maybe the thought of recapping the last (almost) year of my life just seems to big a task to surmount given everything that's gone down and everything I feel like I might need to dive i...

Even as I type the title to this entry, I think to myself: "How can I be that  self-absorbed if I'm self-aware enough to even contemplate the idea?" But then I realize that self-awareness does not mean absolution. Indeed, I can realize that I'm self-absorbed while also continuing to be totally self-absorbed.  But let me stop beating around my own bush (haha) and just admit: Yes, I am self-absorbed. At least, more self-absorbed than I'd like to be. I've been faced with this hard truth twice now. The first time, when I was in Canada recently with my family. Telling them about my desire to switch career paths, my dad and Lance vehemently insisted that I'm too self-absorbed and not empathetic enough to be a therapist (I disagree, I think I would make a great therapist--even if I don't care much about my clients!). The second time this was brought to my attention was after an incident last week on Jason's birthday where I forgot to call/text him at midn...