The Quarter Life Crisis of an Ashkenazi Princess

As I typed that question, I already knew the answer. It started when I was 4 years old, in preschool, with my first crush, Jessie Oxenberg (who I later ended up kissing in high school). I chased him on the playground, trying to get his attention. And when I was driving in the car with my mom, drawing on my etch-a-sketch, I asked her how to spell "Jesus" because it was the closest name to Jessie and I didn't want her to suspect that I had a crush. I wrote Jesus on my etch-a-sketch and kissed it in my car seat on the way home from wherever we were driving.  Ever since my first crush on Jessie, they just kept rolling in. Colin Bates, Brandon Davies, Cole Kodsi, Luke Kramer, Ali Kafel, Nick Curry, Mikey Butler... and so many more that escape my memory. I don't doubt that hundreds of men have occupied my mind for various lengths throughout my 22 years. There has truly never been a time in my life since then where I haven't had my thoughts occupied by one or more guys. ...

A hole in the center of my chest so deep I could sink to the center of the earth. An emptiness. My chest feels tight...no, it feels like nothing even exists. I want to escape from this feeling so badly, I will do anything. Make impulsive emotional decisions, text him "i love you"--"I miss you"--talk to me. I want him to talk to me. I want him to tell me that he feels the same way I do. That being together feels pointless when we would just be so much happier in each other's arms.  I can't stand thinking about him with her. She doesn't deserve him. She's faceless, and unimportant. No one makes him as happy as me, no one makes us as happy as we made each other. At least that's what I tell myself. I try to distract myself with the temporary high of another person but the aching in my soul always returns. A part of my heart has withered down to nothing and the pain is a grey cloud that comes and goes. The only thing thwarting its presence is the amou...

The last time I posted was January. It is now March, and although only a month or two has passed, I feel like so much has happened. Remember when I said I had so many questions about my relationship? Well, a lot of those questions have been answered. Let me fill in the gaps. Things with Sam started out okay--good, even--but slowly but surely declined until I think we could no longer stand each other. I had been trying so hard to make it work. But the harder I tried, the more he would retreat into himself. It seemed like he was stubbornly rejecting every attempt I made at getting to know him better and advancing our relationship. I felt like he was only making time to see me out of obligation, not because he really loved me. And then there was the love factor, too. I wasn't in love with him. He wasn't in love with me. Maybe, if we had communicated better and gotten on the same page, love would've been in the cards for us. But for whatever reason, we were just incompatible.  ...