It's Been A Minute

The last time I posted was January. It is now March, and although only a month or two has passed, I feel like so much has happened. Remember when I said I had so many questions about my relationship? Well, a lot of those questions have been answered.

Let me fill in the gaps. Things with Sam started out okay--good, even--but slowly but surely declined until I think we could no longer stand each other. I had been trying so hard to make it work. But the harder I tried, the more he would retreat into himself. It seemed like he was stubbornly rejecting every attempt I made at getting to know him better and advancing our relationship. I felt like he was only making time to see me out of obligation, not because he really loved me. And then there was the love factor, too. I wasn't in love with him. He wasn't in love with me. Maybe, if we had communicated better and gotten on the same page, love would've been in the cards for us. But for whatever reason, we were just incompatible. 

So, after a particularly frustrating and hard weekend in which we both considered breaking up with each other, he finally got honest with me. And he told me that he didn't see this relationship lasting past graduation. He said that when he thought about me leaving, he was sad but not devastated. He wants to be single and independent next year in Gainesville, and it wouldn't make sense for us to be in a long distance relationship when I move to New York (oh yeah... I think I'm doing that now, BTW!!). Point is, he was right about all of it. We aren't compatible. This isn't a relationship worth doing long distance for. But apparently, it's just good enough to get us through the remainder of college. We'll still go on formal together, and apparently he'll take me on dates...let's see if he'll follow through with that one, though. Maybe, now that he's gotten everything off his chest things will miraculously get better; but, I doubt it. I know what love feels like. Love feels like you'd rather die than face losing that special person. Heartbreak feels like a pit in your chest so heavy you could sink to the bottom of the ocean and never resurface. Sure, my ego is wounded. Sure, I would've loved for Sam to tell me that he'd do anything to fight for such an amazing girl. But I've been through worse. I've seen darker days. Who knows, maybe this would be much harder for me if I hadn't experienced those heart-wrenching relationships. So for that, I am thankful. In the meantime, I just have to show him what he's giving up. Play it cool. Look stunning at all times. Don't sound too interested in the day-to-day conversations. And remember that if it's meant to be, it will happen!