Getting things out and holding myself accountable

 does the fact that I haven't written in almost a year mean I must be down bad to be finally journaling now? It's the day after Yom Kippur. I haven't journaled on YK the past couple of years, maybe I was lazy or just didn't feel like it. I'm trying not to judge myself for these things. I didn't want to write yesterday and instead slept and went on my phone. I didn't anticipate wanting to write today but then I had a super vivid dream about a certain ex and it kind of fucked up my morning. 

I'm living with Jason now, and I think I'm really happy about it. We have the most beautiful apartment, my dream apartment, and I rely on him in so many ways. He takes care of me. He supports me, he loves me unconditionally. He makes me feel unequivocally safe. I see a future with him, clear as day. 

A few months ago, matt reached out unexpectedly and told me of girlfriend troubles and wanted to get lunch. This threw me into a crisis; a choice that I never thought I'd be given now sat right in front of me. But it was a year and a half too late; I was already committed to Jason and we were in the midst of touring apartments. I thought I'd be thrilled to finally have the choice I had secretly yearned for (or had my ego been the one yearning) for years--but I was left paralyzed with guilt, guilt, so much guilt. Guilt I haven't fully been able to let go of. Fear that I wasn't choosing right, even though G-d knows I am. Temptation stronger than the devil to go back to the girl I once was, the toxic patterns I once not only thrived on, but flourished in--or so I thought. I was stuck--still am kind of stuck, on the few things that drew me to matt, and the fact that he was so forbidden, so taboo, when Jason is being served right up on a platter with the words FREE LUNCH on a placard in front of him, and that's a psychologically hard thing for a girl who's thrived on nothing but anxious attachment and chaos to overcome.

My dream last night, not the timing of Yom Kippur, pushed me to write this morning. A vivid dream, as I've been experiencing lately due to the exhaustion and stress of moving in. matt wanted me back, and my family was furious. My dreams never used to go this way; it was always about me trying to lure him away from his girlfriend, or flirting with him in an effort to get him back. But my efforts never worked, and would wake in frustration when he vanished at the end or ultimately showed disinterest. But after his call, the script has flipped. I'm not sure which reality is harder to live in: the one where I want his validation and know I'll never get it, or the one where I finally do and feel like I could be the architect of my downfall at any given moment?

Maybe the idea of my life crashing down and dismantling around me is attractive to an almost 26-year-old who feels stifled by life just by nature of being almost 26 and in a corporate job. I've never not centered my life around men and I'm trying to channel my focus elsewhere. 

I haven't been a good girlfriend to Jason lately and I know this fiasco has at least something to do with it. I need to try harder; for myself, and for him. The good news is that I recently learned I can stay on my parent's health insurance until I'm 30, so I will be able to seek therapy at any point; but I really do need it soon. 

I take Jason for granted, but the truth is I'd be lost without him. I need to shift my mindset so he becomes someone I'm fighting for, not someone I assume will always worship me. So, on the day after Yom Kippur, and in honor of Tswift's LOASG album dropping today, "This Is Me Trying."

It's time to embrace my next phase of womanhood: proactivity. I'll let you know how it shakes out!