Bryant Park Winter Village

I can't say that I've had a bad day, only that I've had a particularly lonely and sad day. I don't think I like Josh anymore, I'm not attracted to him and never have been but I don't even want to fucking talk about that.

I know you shouldn't make any brash decisions or ruminate on feelings when you're HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired)... these days I'm edging towards the LT more and more frequently. 

Today I went to the Bryant Park Winter Village. Where the fuck has the time gone? What happened to the girl that loved doing things alone? I walked through today surrounded by people and felt entirely and singularly alone. No cheap dopamine hit can help me at this point--not a song, podcast, weed, dating app--fucking nothing. At this point I'm so confused about how I feel all the time and regularly shift between feeling like I've freed myself from the men of my past to not feeling like I've moved forward even a singular inch. 

Last year when I went to the Bryant Park Winter Village alone I texted Jack, asking to meet up which resulted in us becoming friends and then leading to the most torturous and agonizing situationship of my life. And I think I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I was in love with him, maybe still am? Because how do you mourn something that never even existed in the first place? But I still find myself wanting to walk by his door, fantasize about the day when I'll run into him again... I've lost control entirely of my emotions--not that I ever had control of them to begin with, maybe that's the problem--and I constantly live in a cage of my own thoughts. 

My rommates both being in relationships right now doesn't help one bit.

When will it be my turn? How many times can I type that question into the void, and do I even deserve for my wishes to come true when I can't seem to change my patterns, don't even know where to start? Why does it have to be so hard to fall in love and stay that way. My struggles in finding someone only idealize further the past loves who didn't work out.

I'm probably going to have a nice little cry and then get to sleep. Goodnight

I'ts a damn cold night

Tryna figure out this life

Won't you, take me by the hand take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you

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