What yearning feels like

A hole in the center of my chest so deep I could sink to the center of the earth. An emptiness. My chest feels tight...no, it feels like nothing even exists. I want to escape from this feeling so badly, I will do anything. Make impulsive emotional decisions, text him "i love you"--"I miss you"--talk to me. I want him to talk to me. I want him to tell me that he feels the same way I do. That being together feels pointless when we would just be so much happier in each other's arms. 

I can't stand thinking about him with her. She doesn't deserve him. She's faceless, and unimportant. No one makes him as happy as me, no one makes us as happy as we made each other. At least that's what I tell myself. I try to distract myself with the temporary high of another person but the aching in my soul always returns. A part of my heart has withered down to nothing and the pain is a grey cloud that comes and goes. The only thing thwarting its presence is the amount of distraction I have in my life at any given moment.

Seeing remnants of our relationship tears me to shreds. An old conversation reminds me of when we used to say "i love you" twenty times a day, or more. Remember when we would try to guess how may times we had kissed since the day we met? Must be thousands. But there was no way to know, because after those first two weeks we fell into a love so deep that time didn't exist until we had to admit that it did. That we couldn't continue "like this" forever. That distance and religion and circumstance would get in the way. You said that life had been so unfair to you in that moment. People who were important to you unfairly ripped away when you hadn't had enough time with them yet. I thought you'd always see me as the one that got away, but now I'm not so sure. 

Will I just have to live with this grief for the rest of my life? Someone with an addiction never truly heals, but they learn to manage the cravings. In this moment, I need that strength.