Am I Self-Absorbed?

Even as I type the title to this entry, I think to myself: "How can I be that self-absorbed if I'm self-aware enough to even contemplate the idea?" But then I realize that self-awareness does not mean absolution. Indeed, I can realize that I'm self-absorbed while also continuing to be totally self-absorbed. 

But let me stop beating around my own bush (haha) and just admit: Yes, I am self-absorbed. At least, more self-absorbed than I'd like to be. I've been faced with this hard truth twice now. The first time, when I was in Canada recently with my family. Telling them about my desire to switch career paths, my dad and Lance vehemently insisted that I'm too self-absorbed and not empathetic enough to be a therapist (I disagree, I think I would make a great therapist--even if I don't care much about my clients!). The second time this was brought to my attention was after an incident last week on Jason's birthday where I forgot to call/text him at midnight to wish him Happy Birthday. I've never seen him so upset. Holding back tears, he drunkenly admitted that he didn't think I was putting as much effort into the relationship as he was. And I didn't even try to argue, partially because he was the birthday boy, but also because deep down I knew he was right.

I always seem to find an excuse for why I blow things off. Even today, I decided I should reach out to Hannah Gilman and see if she wanted to grab dinner since she recently moved to New York (okay, like a month ago) and we've yet to hang out 1 on 1. Upon opening our chat I realized she had sent me a funny text over a week ago and I had never responded. 

As I get deeper and deeper into adulthood and drift further away from the sureness and security of college life, I'm scared to let my friendships drift into nothingness while simultaneously finding myself paralyzed when it comes to giving them a phone call or making plans. I'm not good at birthdays. I know I should be, but then again I've known for years. I knew when Danielle sent me a lacy black nightgown my first birthday out of college, which is still one of my most cherished gifts, that I would like to start sending my friends more presents. But I've scarcely made any progress. Is it my frugality holding me back? I know I can't blame my cheapness on everything. It's my lack of initiative and unwillingness to plan, if we're being honest.

Maybe writing about this dilemma and making it real will help me to change. Because I really want to. Who wants to be told by their own family that they're self-absorbed? If I'm being honest with myself, I'm never going to be that person showing up to a housewarming with a carefully thought-out, shrink-wrapped basket from Fresh Market with the artisan olive oils, jams, and aged cheeses. Or can I be? Who knows, maybe my transformation into Martha Stewart is imminent.

But at the most basic, I want to show up for the people I love. I want to be thought of as more thoughtful (is that self-indulgent?). I want to do the little things that add up, and the big things that are more memorable too. When I told my mom the story of Jason's birthday on the phone today, she carefully said, "well, sometimes you tend to be a bit self-absorbed. Maybe you can work on that." Who's going to tell you the difficult truths about yourself if it's not your own mother? And she's right. 

Here's to growth--and if I mess up, Yom Kippur is right around the corner!