An Update

Published late; entry is from from Summer 2024

I'm so secure in my relationship and anxiously attached in real life that the unbalance is about to tip my relationship over.

That's basically the mantra of my life right now. I put off writing this entry for weeks but my laptop was burning a hole in my nightstand and my heart was being tugged right towards it. Then tonight when I finally picked it back up I realized I was so hesitant to write down my feelings and struggles that I started associating journaling with unearthing the bad. I want to have a positive association with journaling, and excitement about never knowing what was going to turn up on the pages. The pleasure and wisdom I would get reading my entry months later. So, I'm making an executive decision that not all of this blog post has to be negative.

I'll do my best.

So anyways, I started getting anxiety earlier this summer after a trip to Philly with Danielle, Hannah and Talia. I had been getting anxious while I was high and started to get these gruesome intrusive thoughts. I started to feel out of control of my mind. Weed was the one thing I could return to, and now it was turning against me. Naturally, you want something to blame it on. And since then, I've been questioning everything in my life in order to find a culprit, and it's eating me from the inside out.

• Is it that my 9-5 corporate job is no longer fulfilling me? Am I void of purpose?
• Are my parents influencing me? Are their  voices so deeply ingrained my brain that I feel guilty for not living near them?
• Is it the fact that I don't go to therapy?
• Is it the fact that I don't eat properly?
• Do I need more hobbies?

Or, could it be something else entirely? Could it be... my relationship?

I'm generally very happy with Jason. We have, by far, the healthiest and most equal relationship I have ever experienced. This relationship makes me feel like an adult. We have the exact same values. We want the same things in life--2.5 kids, Jewish suburb, a nice home (or three), nice restaurants, staying active, travelling, and have a part-time nanny (oh wait, that one's just me). I know when I list these out I make myself seem shallow.

But you have to understand: Jason is extremely rich. In the beginning, I couldn't see anything else when I looked at him. It was really hard to tell whether I was into him because of his personality, or his money. And who knows, maybe if he hadn't been wealthy I wouldn't have stuck it out. I have no way of knowing if things would've been different (and I hope that they wouldn't be). 

But the wealth blinded me. And now we just celebrated our 8-month anniversary and I can't believe time has jumped like this. Now I know, I definitley love him. I remember the first time I realized I had forgotten that he was rich for a few days. It felt like a triumph. Now, I thought, I know that my subconscious isn't tricking me into liking him for his money. I see him as a person now. I have broken down the superficial barriers in-between us and seen the person beneath, and I love him just how he is. 

Well, I was half right. I've gotten more used to it now. It's not as initially thrilling, and I just see him as a person I love now. But I can't confidently say that it's not influencing me heavily.

He also has a million other amazing qualities that can't be ignored.

•