I just saw a comedy show

About trauma, with Hannah Gilman who's a therapist, and it got me thinking about how everyone has issues and very few people know how to voice it, or even understand what's going on. Well, here's what's been going on with me:

1. I love Jason more than anyone in my life and think I'm going to marry him. I need to not keep avoiding trying to type that or say that our loud because for some reason it scares me. The same thing I have been wanting to achieve my whole life is starting to scare me because it's getting closer and closer and becoming real. 

Dog. Engagement. Marriage. House. Pregnant (what???). Raising kids (couldn't imagine). Perhaps, regardless of who was by my side, I'd be scared shitless of these milestones simply because they are irreversable life changes. I will say though, Jason is the first guy who has had me seriously envisioning these things. And with him, it's never looked clearer. He said once, coyly, "You know I'll make you happy." And he's absolutely right 

***

wait. Was I just trying to make a list and already went off the path with item #1? Okay, clearly I have a lot to say about everything and waiting nearly a year to start journaling again was a bad idea. 

I'll get straight to the point. I've been thinking about my exes (in particular, one or two) more than makes me comfortable. It's making me feel anxious about my current connection with Jason, but it's hard for me to even find a reason why. And that's how I know it's self-sabotage. The thoughts worsen when I'm in FiDi and when I get too high. Or, generally, when I'm alone. 

These thoughts make me feel: guilty, unworthy of Jason's love, a fraud, like I'm choosing the wrong person, like I'm making an irreversable decision to fuck up my life, and that I must belong with someone else because who would think of their soulmate like this?

The answer to your question is, a deeply damanged emotional 24 year old Libra who's severly anxious attachment style has slowly eroded her self-confidence and amplified her desperation to the point where she only wants guys who will make her feel like they're an inch from slipping away. I don't know at which point I stepped over the line and entered the point of no return but now I'm becoming schitzo. Well not actually, but that's certainly how it feels to be anxious, paranoid, self-conscious, and mildly depressed. I thought the right guy would magically fix things for me but it turns out locking myself into what I thought I wanted made me feel like a prisonor in a cell of my own creation. And now reading that back, it's not looking too good.

But that's what confuses me. Because I am happy. And I can't even try to deny that I'm not in love. Jason is my magnet. I want to spend every second with him because he makes me feel cherished and safe in a way I've never felt before. Deep down I probably don't feel like I deserve this life and that's where the issue is stemming from. To not be 100% satisfied in my connection with him 100% of the time makes me feel like a housewife who's kissing the pool boy. I've got "The Guy" that everyone wants, I see "The Life" in the distance, and everyone should be jealous of me. Hell, I'd be sooo jealous of me if I was my friend. It's no wonder Maya hates him. 

But there's still part of me that's pulled back into the past, a demon that won't let go of me. The truth is though, the demon has been on my shoulder my whole life. The demon is the fulfillment a fantasy gets me. And now that fantasy is turning into reality, there's a gaping hole where that emotion once was. And it's putting me into crisis. It feels interesting to try and articulate this right now but it also feels cathartic. I'm proud of myself for getting out my laptop on this late night and prioritizing myself in this way.

See you (hopefully) soon!