I know they're out there somewhere but I just need that moment to happen so fucking badly

I've self-sabotaged to the point where I no longer know what I want, what I don't want, what is good for me, what to let go of, what to prioritize, and what I can't even quantify. 

My heart aches so badly for the type of love, lust, or whatever the fuck messy complicated emotion of longing and deep deep connection with the type of people that have been far and few between. 

What does it feel like to walk into a bar and not want anyone else but the person you're with? I've forgotten the last time I felt that way. It's not the worst struggle in the world but Jesus fuck does it hit home right now.

Flirting is fun but it stops being fulfilling when nothing comes to fruition. I almost went home with Josh tonight but as we were approaching his apartment I decided to come home on my own and not have sex with him. To be fair is was nearly 3am when I made this decision and I'm basically a zombie right now, but I needed to do this, to journal, to be on my own and reflect about what a cluster fuck my dating life is right now. I'm going through a period of intense realization, reckoning, and change; change that I've wanted to enact for some while now but could never actually get myself to do. Awareness is step one but actually changing the guys I go after has been a big effort.

Riddle me this. If Josh Medway is really the guy I'm suppost to want then why did Josh Boss become my center of gravity with his effortless yet incredibly sexy and well-done argyle sweater? Dear G-d, why do you make me crave the people that are so unsuitable for me? Give me the strength to choose better.

On the other hand, I still feel like there's some merit to the spark even though people say to fuck it. I want to feel that feeling witih someone else again. And I'm not even going to bother explaining what that feeling is because you know what the fuck I'm talking about. 

And when I do find it I'll be so much stronger from it.

You were runnin' for cover 

doin' like any other

fallen out with a lover

you didn't know that I suffered

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