My First Post

The reason I started this blog was because I was tired of writing in a tiny journal hunched over in my bed. My hand hurt. And I thought I would be more motivated to write if I could type, because I'm much faster at typing and in my opinion it's more satisfying. Call this my Carrie Bradshaw moment.

Since I refuse to get a therapist for some reason (even though I speculate I've needed one for quite some time), this is one of the self-care items I'm trying out. I've been journaling since the spring but need a more permanent place to rant to no one. 

Tonight is a particularly hard night. Well, to be honest, the last four days have been pretty bad. It started on Friday night when I went out to dinner/drinking with Danielle, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's brother. I drank way too much because I was having a horrible time. The brother was trying to be suave, and I was super depressed having to watch danielle and her boyfriend be cute and gross. Not only did it remind me of how I used to be with Matt, but it reminded me of how much it sucks to be single. Not to mention I had to come face-to-face with the harsh reality: Danielle has a boyfriend now, and I don't, and now she's the happy "married one" (living with her boyfriend to boot), and I'm the flailing single friend who's pretending she's okay with it. The only thing I have on her is that my internship is way better. I'm lucky to be interning for a huge tax firm this summer that will hopefully offer me a job and a relocation to NY--maybe there I can make some friends, and find myself the man of my dreams that probably won't be single by the time I'm 25 and finally meet him. *can you tell I'm cynical??*

Oh yeah. Today was the first day of my internship. I don't feel like recounting all the details because this is supposed to be self-care time, and honey, I don't live to work. But I think it went well. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coming home for the summer, or any extended break, always plunges me into depression. For a few reasons:

1. I'm in my childhood bedroom, with all my old artifacts, that remind me of a time before adulthood (and mental illness).

2. I barely have any friends from high school, so my social life is sorely lacking.

3. I'm reminded that I have parents who secretly think I will become uber successful, and I secretly know that it probably won't happen. Gifted kid syndrome, anyone?

So anyways, these three things, combined with the fact that I'm going through a breakup (kind of?) and I have a very stressful schedule, are a lethal combo. I'm sad. I'm sad because everyone seems to have a best friend and mine is my ex-boyfriend, which doesn't feel valid for some reason. My closest female friendships faded awhile ago. And although I don't like to dwell on it, sometimes it really gets to me. I'm sad because I don't like my roommates as much as I thought I would when we decided to move in together. They aren't the people I though they were--not in a bad way, necessarily, but we aren't as similar as I had once thought. I'm sad because it seems to me that with every year that passes, I look back on the previous year and convince myself that I was happier. Am I getting progressively sadder? And, I'm sad that college is ending soon, I'm going to have to be an adult, and life isn't going to get any easier.

...but that doesn't mean I can't be happier. 

Something valuable I've learned in my 21.5 years on earth is that people can come into your life and change it when you least expect it--and right now, I'm just lacking the right people to make it happen. Don't get me wrong--I'm completely in love with Matt, but it's just not sustainable, and I can't be dependent on our relationship the way I used to be. I love my littles, but they have friends of their own. I love Brooke, but she has a separate life at UM. I love Hayley, but not enough to make her my best friend. I thought I could love Danielle, but being in a relationship has completely changed her in a way that I can't stand. And I love Murphy, but unfortunately he's a dog. 

This got me thinking about Ali Granirer. Ali was a friend I had in high school for about a year and a half. When we met, we hit it off instantly; we were both cynical bitches who loved to dance and make fun of everyone. We would laugh a lot. It was like a passionate relationship: it burned bright, but died quickly. She turned out to be very toxic, and we "broke up" before I left for college. I need an Ali to come into my life, but one who isn't toxic. Someone who I don't feel socially anxious around. Someone I can trust. Are you listening, Hashem?

List of Wonderful Friendships that Ended (for good reason; or not good reason)

-Julia Shapiro (not good reason--she ended it. I believe we could have stayed friends)

-Hannah Nemery (we reconnected recently, but I don't think it will ever be the same)

-Alayna Stein (could've stayed friends, but it was meant to end eventually)

-Ali Granirer (truly toxic, but we had some great moments)

One of the most influential and momentous events in my adolescence was the dissolution of my friend group, which I had had since elementary school. Jessica, Julia, Brooke, Alayna, Hannah, Ashley, and Me. There were seven of us--this would be the largest and most meaningful friend group I would ever be a part of. Looking at the people we are now, it's laughable to think that this friend group would have lasted through adulthood. From bisexuals, to theatre girls, to fat feminists, to JAP's, to anorexic weirdos, to run-of-the-mill jewish girl (that would be me), there's no way we could all be friends now. But going through childhood with a friend group had real benefits: it shielded me from the social awkwardness of having to make friends, because one of them was always with me. If it was soccer, Hannah was there. If it was dance, Alayna was there. If it was band, Jessica was there. If it was temple youth group, Julia and Brooke were there. They were literally the only friends I had, but it didn't matter because 6 close friends was more than enough for me. I always had people to sit with at lunch and a groupchat to text in when I got bored and wanted to talk about boys. We would do everything together. And from the time I was 6 to the time I was 16, barely made a single friend outside the group. We were cliquey, and exclusionary, but we weren't mean--we were just comfortable where we were at. Sounds amazing right! What an easy childhood! Well you'd be correct, those were the best years of my life. But as the tiktok song goes,

"I think this is affecting me mentally, like hard-core shit it's gonna fuck with me, I think that this is gonna fuck me up."

Because at the age of 21, I now have no idea how to make friends and have no social skills! AND THAT'S SOCIAL ANXIETY, FOLKS!

ok, singing off. I go to bed early now because I'm a businesswoman who wakes up at 7:30 *barf* night night!