I Miss Him

It's crazy how volatile my emotions are nowadays. I thought that once I made it through recruitment, it would be smooth sailing. And it's not like it hasn't been. My classes aren't too terrible (yet), I've already gone out multiple times and met some new people, but it just doesn't feel the same without Matt constantly in my life like he has been the past (almost) two years. Even though we technically broke up four months ago, it hasn't really felt like a breakup at all. I survived through the summer by talking to him all the time while also balancing a pretty healthy dating life. I even got to see him twice... which was hard. Only seeing him twice within a three-month period was something we hadn't done before. But I knew that it was only foreshadowing the long three+ years ahead when he went to law school and we would be separated for good. I thought that once I got back to school I would be too preoccupied with my academic and social calendar to miss him too much. But three weeks in and it's much harder than I expected. Hell, I'm crying right now as I write this (and trying to dab the tears off my face before they wipe off my fake tan). I've been crying a lot. I cry every time we hang up on facetime (or at least hold back tears), and I cry randomly when I'm in my bed thinking about how much I miss him. I know I'm being dramatic. We've still been able to facetime at least once a day pretty much every day. But now, it feels... different. I know that there's always something he could or should be doing instead of talking to me. I know he's making new friends--something I've had to get used to as I try to fathom not being the most important person to him and his life. But maybe these day-to-day worries are just a distraction from the bigger tragedy at hand: We won't end up together, even if we act like it in the short-term. Stay friends, maybe; but even that has a time limit. I know full well that the second one of us starts dating someone new, our relationship will change completely. 

I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I feel like he's the only thing holding me together. Whenever I feel lonely or down, he's the one person I can always trust to be my complete self around. Maybe in life you can have multiple soulmates, and I definitely think he's one of mine.