It's interesting how one moment you feel like shit, and the next you're on a high. Today, in this moment, at 2:01 pm on Wednesday, I'm not feeling too bad. For one, I got my classes under control. There's always that period of adjustment when it comes to new classes at the start of the semester. Learning the format of the class and getting into your "groove" can sometimes be more stressful than the class itself. Do I need the textbook? Did I already miss my first assignment going hard during syllabus week? Are lectures essential, or can I sleep through them? All of this confusion had me stressed, but today I finally figured things out. Even my programming class, which I was majorly stressing about, I seem to have under control (at least the material we've covered thus far). At this point I have:
- learned basic (BASIC) code (java)
- got a 50/50 on my first biodiversity assignment
- scheduled my two ProctorU exams
- attended a class in-person instead of zooming from my bed
- finished a book and started a new one (Memoirs of a Geisha)
- attended a workout class (and I'm going to one on Friday too)
- oh, and did I mention I pulled in a new member class of 81 perfect Jewish girls (and a few shiksas) for AEPhi? That's a big one.
*******
Something happened yesterday that put things into perspective for me and made me feel a little bit better. Danielle has been in a mood, and has been kind of negative and snippy around the roommates lately. She won't stop talking about her ex, Jordan. She misses him--and misses having a boyfriend even more.
Last night, Hannah told me that she's been rude to her. She thinks it's because Hannah's boyfriend (also named Jordan) has been staying with us for the past week and Danielle is jealous. She can't stand the sight of a "perfect" relationship right in front of her.
When she told me this, a lightbulb went off above my head. How could I not have known that Danielle felt this way? Of course she did!!! I felt the same way too. I love Hannah and she deserves a happy relationship as much as the rest of us, but it majorly SUCKS being around her smart, wealthy, Jewish boyfriend... it reminds me (and Danielle, evidently) of what we so desperately want but just can't have. It reminds me that I can't see Matt every day, and that we can't be together because of religion. It reminds Danielle of cohabiting with her ex and the fact that he doesn't even speak to her anymore. I wish she would open up to me about this. I think it's something that could really bond us if we talked about it. But see, the thing is that everyone always thinks that everyone else has it better, is happier, and doesn't have any insecurities in life. I wonder how many other people struggle with social anxiety, but I would never know because I'm too proud to open up about it? Jealously is a raging bitch, and I deal with her wrath every day.
I guess that hearing about someone else dealing with jealousy, but not being able to hide it as well as I do, made things a little bit better. I realized that Danielle is probably jealous of me for still talking to my ex, and the fact that he still cares about me... while hers won't even acknowledge her anymore. She's probably jealous of the fact that I (somewhat) have a job lined up. It's funny because I could name 100 people that I'm jealous of for various reasons, and yet there are probably people that would love to trade places with me because they think I'm so cool (or at least, I'd like to think that).
On that note, I should probably get back to work and watch my lecture. Bye for now!
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