When the Heartbreak Hits...

Forgive me father for I am high. So my grammar might not be great but I have to articulate the way I'm feeling right now, so I can look back at this heartbreak when I'm going through the next one and find comfort in the fact that I've been through this before. I've always thought of myself as a painfully practical person. Not someone who lives in a fantasy... so why have I been in denial for so long? Matt and mine's relationship is going to painfully end. It came to a breaking point during a FaceTime conversation tonight where we drew some boundaries about talking less in the future. One of the hardest things was realizing that he's never been the one to suggest boundaries--so the fact that he did must mean that he really wants them.

He also revealed to me that he had been seeing some girl and had went on multiple dates with her. Eventually, it got to the point where she wanted to date him and he had to tell her that he was emotionally unavailable. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. I felt truly heartbroken. Like where you have an aching feeling inside of you because you know that this feeling is going to last for awhile. I had been prepared to hear that he had made out with some girls, maybe even had sex--but multiple dates? I didn't think he'd be doing that so soon.

The final blow came when I realized he didn't want me visiting him in Ithaca. This broke me because I had thought both of us had been eagerly looking forward to me visiting during the fall semester. All these weeks I had been excitedly mentioning it, and to find out that he secretly didn't want me there gave me a pit in my stomach. Worse yet, it's not even because his schedule is too busy... it's because he doesn't want me meeting any of his friends. He's hiding me from his female law school friends so that he can pursue them romantically in the future. I guess I understand, but I can't help but feel like he's putting other people before me. It feels like I matter less than those other girls. It sucks.

So basically, as a recap:

     1. Matt went on multiple dates with the same girl and could possibly have dated her

     2. Matt doesn't want to talk to me as much

     3. Matt doesn't want me to visit him in Ithaca

well, goodnight then.

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