A Tension Exercise

I'm sitting on a towel in Plaza of the Americas with my Monday Krishna typing away at my computer and listening to my Heartbreak playlist through my earbuds with a tote bag next to me. You could say I'm exuding main character energy, but really I'm just trying to get comfortable. There's no one here that could possibly judge me in good faith as I'm probably cooler than most people here, but its a good tension exercise for me being alone in public. 

I came here for good food, pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, and reflection. Last night, Ross and I "broke up." I put that in quotations because we were never actually dating, just talking frequently. We wanted different things. He wanted a "med school wife" as I like to call it, and I wanted a distraction and an NJB who made me feel like there were still nice, eligible bachelors out there. As we sat there on Facetime discussing the fact that this probably shouldn't continue, and he wiped tears away (yes, I made a man cry over me who has never met me before), I was struck by the indifference I felt. How could there be this seemingly great guy who I had talked to for several months, we were about to cut the chord indefinitely, and I couldn't find it in myself to feel the heartbreak? I doubt the heartbreak will ever come, to be honest. With Ross, I was able to look at the relationship so logically. I didn't let emotions get in the way because I didn't feel them in the first place. And yet, with certain other people, I get so emotional I make rash decisions without even considering the consequences? Hell, I paid for an Uber to techno Tuesday just because I thought that Eddie might run into me. I let the possibility of him wanting me ruin my homecoming week and spent well over an hour at the TEP tailgate waiting for him to notice me. And for WHAT!!? A 5'8 advertising major? When I could have a 6 foot neurosurgeon? 

Lucky for me, I found someone who makes me feel all those things and is successful and handsome... Matt. Oh, wait a minute! He's not Jewish!

... Guess I can't have it all.  

Juggling all these different connections makes me realize how dynamic life can be. There truly are very few people who will love you and be in your life for its entirety. I think about all the boys I've hopelessly fawned over and now I'm over pretty much all of them. Mikey Butler is just a lesson about an immature fuckboy who caught me at a time where I needed male validation more than I needed a blended ombre. Derek Pearson is an example of a red flag and helped me realize that I don't need to put out sexually for a guy to like me. And the list goes on and on. Andrew Behrenfeld, Jeff Shoenfeld,  Benny Sternberg, Ryan Friedman, Jason Goldman, Danny Bister, Andrew Goren, and now... Eddie. I realize now, listing these names, that they all have something in common. Assholes in one way or another. There has yet to be a nice guy make this list. Eventually I'll remember him as a lesson... but now, I'm in the grieving period. I'll listen to my sappy music until I snap out of it and remember that I'm better than that.