A Mental Health "Check-In"

It's been a little over a month since I've written a post. Yes, I've been slacking. But I guess the thing is, when everything's going well in life you don't feel the need to write down your thoughts; and when things are going badly, it's hard to find the motivation to sit down and articulate your anxieties and sadness into writing.

But here I am, doing it right now.

I guess I wouldn't say I'm in a "bad place." Have I been better? Certainly. Have I been worse, on the verge of depression? Absolutely. I guess I'm having a bad day. I'm sort of in a funk. I don't feel like socializing with anyone because I've been going through this phase for the past two months or so (has it really only been two months? Wow. Time moves slowly when you're going through a rough patch). Let me explain to you what's been going on:

I form an idea in my head. I open my mouth to speak it. Suddenly, the words don't feel as natural to me. They feel a little scrambled in my head. My tongue and mouth won't deliver the sentence in a flowing, coherent way. My speech seems a little choppy. I stop in the middle of a sentence, trying to think of the right word--the word I've been looking for--but now I've fucked it all up. I can't think of the word, the person, the name, the place, what I did last week, what I'm doing this weekend, and I'm embarrassed. I can't truly be myself when I'm like this. It's harder to be funny, candid because everything I say feels so planned. I'm afraid my friends notice, I'm afraid Sam notices. G-d, will my family notice?

Maybe it's a form of stuttering. But it's not stuttering, exactly. It's brain fog, anxiety, overthinking.

Maybe I'm just more self-conscious and on edge because of the people around me. For one, I'm putting immense pressure on my relationship with Sam. I have a lot of questions about our relationship. Here are some:

• He seems like the perfect guy, but do I really think that?
• Will I want to stay with him after college? 
• Will he want to stay with me?
• Does he love me yet? And if he does, when will he say it?
• Do I love him? Should I tell him that I love him?
• Is he interesting enough for me?
• Should I ask him to lose weight? And if so, how and when do I do it to minimize hurting him?
• When will I stop comparing him to Matt?
• Am I only doubting aspects of his personality because of Matt? Would this all be different if I had never known Matt?
• Is he too jappy for me?
• Does he secretly think I'm not jappy enough for him?
• How does he actually feel about me? Does he only think he likes me because I'm the first girl he's ever dated?
• Is this the NJB I've always dreamed of, or just another failed relationship waiting to happen?

…I guess only time will tell. That's the hardest part, not knowing. Not knowing how I'll feel about him come May. Not knowing where he'll go to med school, or what the conversation will look like when we finally decide to address the future. Something I have to work on is not bothering him as much and staying off my phone (LOL...like I haven't tried that one before). I seem to always be checking to see if he's snapchatted or texted me back. It takes him way longer than me to respond, and I find myself getting antsy and anxious worrying that maybe he's just not that into me.

The second part of the anxiety equation is my friends. Since my original roommates moved out last semester, I would say I've been doing pretty well, considering. I'm getting along with my new roommates, and though they're not going to become my best friends, I can at least coexist with them. I definitely miss my friends, though. Talia, Hannah, and Danielle are all in Madrid right now and I miss the days where we would all hang out downstairs, smoke, and shoot the shit.

In replace of my old roommates, I'm not spending a lot more time with Jordan and Ilana. and by a lot more time, I mean a lot more time. I see them both almost every day. We'll go to lunch or dinner at the house together, study together, and go out at night together. I like them as friends, but both of them can be a lot sometimes. Ilana is very abrasive, and sometimes makes fun of me (in a loving way, but for a sensitive person like me it can be annoying). Jordan is super emotional, judgmental, and holds grudges. I'm still upset about the time she cried when we went out with our aepi boyfriends because she didn't think she was getting enough attention. My goal is to not let her bullshit get to me. 

Ilana and Jordan are two of those friends that are great in doses, but not people you'd want to live with or be around 24/7. The bad news for me is that at this point in my life they're my 24/7 friends.  The good news is that I'll be out of Gainesville in a few months and I'll become closer with new people in my life, making my connections with Jordan and Ilana more tenuous. In the meantime, I just have to sit tight and try to enjoy every moment while I'm still in college.

Glad to have gotten some of that bullshit off my chest. Now, time to fold laundry and prepare for AEPhi family weekend!