Dear M,

My dad just sent me a budget excel spreadsheet that he made in his free time to help me see my finances for New York. I wanted to send it to you. I wanted to facetime you and talk about it. But I've really been working on my self-restraint lately and not reaching out to you. Yes, it kills me. There are at least 4 times a day I see something that reminds me of you and I want to send it. A tiktok. An article. A picture. Something miscellaneous, like this budget spreadsheet. 

Why do I always have to end my day feeling sad about you? Today was a pretty good day. I had krishna lunch alone in plaza while reading my kindle for a good hour (I just started a new book -- Hillbilly Elegy). I presented a powerpoint in one of my classes and it went pretty well. I had my very last chapter of aephi, where I got to give a parting speech that got a few laughs. I showered and smoked a little weed. I pulled up Scott Pilgrim vs the World and plan on watching a little bit before I go to bed. My life is pretty good right now. 

I need to try to focus on the good things in my life instead of honing in on the things that bring me distress. How many times did I think of you today? How many did I think of her, of you both together? How many times did I worry, "will they stay together through law school? Will they live together in New York?" 

silly me. It's pointless to worry about things that are entirely out of my control. By the time you graduate law school, I could be on the brink of engagement with my dream Jewish guy. By the time you move to New York, I could have moved somewhere new. By the time you're married, I could already have two kids. The point is, I need to focus on the things I can control instead of harp on the things I can't. For example, last night I deleted all the pictures of you off my camera roll. Don't worry, they were saved in Amazon Photos first, but still. I'll no longer see pictures of you every time I open my photos app.

That's enough blubbering about you for now. Time to finish my bowl, watch my movie, and keep being beautiful, stunning, and smart. 

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