Trying to feel okay

I'm feeling kind of burnt out from dating. I know I've only been in NYC for about two months, and I haven't even been here for all of it, but it's becoming exhausting because I feel like it should've been easier to find a boyfriend by now. 

I gave up a lot for this. I gave up Sam Aronson, who visited me last week from Chicago and showed me through both words and actions that he loved me. No one has ever treated me better than him. He's a truly good, amazing person to his core and the type of guy I have always wanted. If only circumstance didn't stand in the way of us being together. He's not starting med school for another two years and doesn't live in New York. He'll probably never leave the state of Illinois and his family doesn't really have any money. I'm not sure if I can commit to him under these circumstances knowing that I'm giving up what I've been waiting for for years; moving to a new, Jewish city and getting to date the men there. 

But it's becoming frustrating--Hinge is looking more dismal every day. The nerdy, nice guys are weird and/or ugly and/or short; the rich guys are boring and shallow. A rich guy with depth is what i'm ISO, but they don't really seem to exist. Or, if they do, they're off-limits or taken. I'm tired of dating apps and want to meet someone in person, but every time I go out there are either no hot guys to approach, or the guys that do talk to me are insanely creepy and weird. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. But for a girl who tries to get guys harder than most girls I know, my success rate is pretty dismal. Then at the end of the night I'm stuck thinking about Matt again, who is totally undeserving of my brain space. I'm sick of glorifying his mediocrity, too. But when he's the last person I was truly in love with, it's hard not to reminisce. 

I guess that's to say I'm burnt out, on all fronts. Of all the same people, the same routine, the same scenarios playing out in my head. When I get back from my business trip that I leave on tomorrow, I'm really going to make an effort to go into the office instead of working remotely from the apartment. I think it'll help my mental health and help me get my steps in.

I'm going to go read now. Night!

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