Breakdown

 I just had a breakdown and called my mom, sobbing for an hour. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. It's been months since I started grieving my relationship with M, but tonight I let the intrusive thoughts win. I looked at one too many Instagram pictures and completely lost it.

I'm exhausted. Physically (I never get enough sleep, nothing new there), emotionally, mentally. 
Dating is exhausting. It's been a few months since my last boyfriend, and although that's a normal amount of time for the average single person, I would've found myself in a new relationship by now this far into things. I've been in New York for about three months and have already lost track of how many dates I've been on. None of them have worked out, clearly. I'm trying hard, I really am. I try harder than anyone I know. But once in awhile you're allowed to get frustrated that things aren't working out.

I enjoy the other aspects of my life. Work ebbs and flows. I have a pretty good social life here. Luckily, I love my roommates.

But I miss Sam a lot. Not being able to talk to him and lean on him in my hard moments makes them that much harder. I know we're both feeling pain about not being able to be together and talk. It's taking a lot of self-control--self-control that I didn't possess a mere few months ago. But heartbreak makes you tough. First it breaks you down, melting your insides and brain like acid, stripping away your ability to function normally, driving you to madness until you barely recognize yourself. You do things you could never imagine doing. But it's not you doing them; it's a crazy monster who has possessed your body. You're at rock bottom until one day you begin to see the light. You laugh for the first time. You see the goodness in something else. Healing isn't linear; it's like hiking a mountain. Ups and downs, but you know the trail will eventually come to an end. However, you'll always have that hike within you. Heartbreak is something you live with. And eventually, incredibly, it makes you stronger. You actually start to learn things. And then one day you realize how much you've changed since going through hell. You don't really recognize that person anymore, because heartbreak changes you.

It's taken a significant amount of restraint not to reach out to Sam. But I'm doing it for the good of us both. When the day comes that I finally bite the bullet and call him, I want it to be because I am serious about giving us a try. He deserves for me to commit to him fully. And I want to be all in, but right now I'm not. I'm not ready yet. But I think I could get there one day. He treats me like an absolute princess; he's the most kind and thoughtfully, deeply loving person I have ever met. Life with him would be a breeze; no, life with him would be a fairytale. I can't picture a better father for my kids. I wish there was some way for me to know that this is all going to work out, but I know I just have to trust Gd and the universe.

I'm going to pray a little and then go to sleep. Goodnight. <3