PORN RELAPSE

Oh my gosh oh my gosh, the title of this post is, like, sooo embarassing. Yes Barbara, it's supposed to be. What invites this cutting humor this evening? I relapsed last night. Not only did I masturbate to my fetish, but I watched porn to it. Stright on PornHub. I'm disappointed in myself because I've actually been doing pretty great on my new year's resolutions. My sex drive has been steadily returning and part of focusing on myself has been masturbating more, and taking the focus off of my fetish while I do so. I even bought myself a massive (well, 5 inches), pink, silicone dildo with a suction cup that new resides on my dresser (to be put away when my family visits... along with my weed... and lube... anyways, I digress.

After I had my "fuck it" moment and gave into my addiction, it just felt so stupid. The orgasm isn't nearly as strong as when I fantazie about real sex, and use my fingers or dildo. The porn is a shortcut to turn me on without even getting in the mood. It's not an experience, it's a quick fix. It makes me angry that I made it to January 31st, and the last fucking day of the month, I throw it in the trash. And that's such a bummer, because I was going to reward myself with MilkBar chocolate truffles for making it 1 month without Porn (and thus, fetish porn). 

But let's be serious for a moment; I have to remember why I quit my fetish in the first place. It's been a part of me since I was probably 17 or 18. It stunted my sex life with my boyfriends because I didn't have a real incentive to learn what I liked; I could always just watch porn and have my own orgasm if they couldn't make me finish (which with Andrew and M, was probably 10% of the time if that--yeah I'm being generous). I spent countless nights laying next to my sleeping boyfriend, hiding under the covers while I watched porn and silently masturbated while they slept beside me. And with each relationship, I got bolder until I wouldn't even hide under the covers, I would just do it right in the open and hope they wouldn't wake up. 

But I think in my relationship with Sam, I came consistenly enough that I began to realize that sex could be enjoyable for me too, and not just "okay." And in the past year, I've had several failed attempts at cutting out fetish porn from my life completely. This was by far my longest streak... I think it was about 3 months since I last gave in. I know it was absolutely the right decision, because I'm healing! I'm enjoying sex way more than I ever have, and have been able to finish with more guys than I thought possible (Sam Aronson, X, and most recently, Jack). No amount of fetish porn orgasms could compare to the feeling I had on Saturday night when Jack made me come from my favorite spooning position. It was hot as hell, not only for me (because I had an orgasm, obviously) but for him because he got to "make it happen," which guys absolutely love. 

On the topic of Jack, we've been texting a little this week. Our convo hit a dead end tonight, so I think I'm going to wait until Thursday or Friday to text him again. Let him wonder who I'm on a date with! Fuck. I hate playing these games. I have such a big crush on him and I can't stop thinking about us having sex again. I hope a small part of him is starting to develop feelings for me. I have a fantasy where we start dating and I surprise him with the $200 signed Phantom of the Opera poster that we saw in the thrift store together. 

But my biggest Jack fantasy right now involves a beautiful blue lingerie set that I bought for Annabel's gay friend's birthday party that we're hosting here in two weeks. Everyone has to wear lingerie, and I'm wearing a lacy, turquoise, sheer thong and bra set. I want to eventually invite Jack, I think he'd go crazy looking at me in that. And the fact that everyone else gets to see me like that too is bound to make him jealous. Ah, how I love being a woman!

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