It's 4AM

I know I shouldn't complain about this as much as I do, but it hurts being single sometimes. It hurts when you talk to a guy and he doesn't feel the need to follow up. It hurts when someone acts like they care about getting to know you but then they leave like the rest of them the second you don't give them sex. At least now, I'm getting better at not having sex with them.

Things with Luke didn't work out. I know I haven't even talked about him here before, but it's already over. He's a fuckboy who pretended to want to get to know me. He ended things over the phone with me outside a pizza place at 2am today. "We just don't have a lot in common," he says the night after I refused to go home with him and fuck him. 

And Dean? We had an amazing first date but I didn't want to go back and "cuddle" with him, and now I haven't heard from him. I did see all his instagram stories of other girls at the club

And so the only guy left, who doesn't even count because I haven't spoken to him in three weeks, is Jack--who doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to talk to me, and can't even get hard in the rare occassion that he does want to have sex with me.

Humiliating. I can't even get guys in bars to want to follow up with me. Was it because my shirt was high-necked, not sexy enough?

I don't even care anymore. Well actually, I do, a lot. And I wish it didn't take up so much of my brain space--who liked me back, who liked me the most, who am I going to get with tonight, who's taking me on a date next, who is going to be the father of my children... blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHH!
I'm fucking sick and tired of these men being shit, and I hate how it affects me. When is the right guy going to come along? When the fuck will I be able to stop bending over backwards to give these guys a chance, only to have my heart stomped on and my ego deflated over and over again? When will I meet someone who makes me feel like enough, exactly how I am? Who will find me beautiful, and funny, and charming, and the most entertaining, interesting woman they've ever met? When will I feel that again? When will I stop being alone?

Now it's 4:30AM. Only FKA Twigs's "Cellophane" understands me in this moment. Why don't I do it for you?

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