I'm so fucking lonely

I hate admitting this to myself. It drives me fucking mad that I revolve my life around the attention of men, let it ruin my weekend. I can't stop thinking about him. Jack. Most of the time, recently, it's been Jack. But of course it's also been Matt. It always comes back to him, especially when I'm feeling particularly lonely and pathetic.

I just want to be deeply in love with someone. G-d, do I miss that feeling. I've had guys at my beckon call, even had one fall madly in love with me since M, but I haven't been totally in love with them in the same way. The only one that came close was X, but it was ripped from me after only a month.

When Jack is involved I feel like a powerless little girl. My mind is completely taken over by thoughts of him and it's been like this for months. And then when I can't get fulfillment from him my mind instantly wanders to other guys on my "roster" and grapples for someone who can give me attention. Even if it's just a snanpchat, I need a notification on my screen. I need someone to tell me they're in love with me, even if they don't totally mean it. I need someone to resurface from my past and tell me that they've never stopped thinking about me. I need that sertonin hit to feel happy. Right in this moment.

I'm reading self-help books. I'm listening to empowering podcasts. I'm doing things for me. I've been focusing more on my hobbies--cooking, working out, reading. But it's still an innate female drive within me that goes crazy. Restless, restless, restless I become without a guy in my life, easily accessible. So restless and lonely I become that I feel like I could jump out of my skin, so unsettled that I feel like the pit in my heart could just implode within me and shatter me from the inside out.

The pain is literally physical. But I don't think I've fully succumed to it. Now, I have the self-control not to always act on my impulses and keep my dignitiy intact. If anything, I will always do my best to maintain that.

Now, time to channel my Sister Goddess Energy!

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