Juneteenth Weekend

How can a long weekend be so fun, while simultaneously being so fucking shitty?

I'll be honest, I haven't been feeling myself lately. Do I need a therapist? Maybe. There's been a cloud over me recently and I know it has to do with my love life, because it always comes back to that.

Here I am finally admitting it: Jack doesn't want me anymore, and I'm not even going to get the chance to end it on my own terms. I had a master plan--hook up with him one more time this weekend, finally tell him how I feel about him, and then immediately reveal that I am seeing another guy and dump him. I guess the main reason this fantasy sounded so appealing to me is because it gave me the illusion of control in a situation where I've felt so wildly out of control that I essentially became a madwoman. My nervous system has been on such high alert for months and it really hit me on Tuesday when I tweaked my back and my shoulders have been sore since. I've been holding way too much tension about this whole damn thing, and It's time for it to end. After reading Adeline and Tell Me Lies, two incredible, heartbreaking but real books about situationships and noncommital men, I really must understand that the only person who matters in this is me. When did I stop caring about myself, my own wellbeing? When did I become the moon and he the earth that I rotate about?

I wrote this in my journal a while ago, but I will say it again: The only way to end a situationship is to walk away. It hurts to admit it here but I know it in my bones... he doesn't have feelings for me, he doesn't want me, and he doesn't care. 

The other huge way this has been affecting me is that I'm equating him to M, and so I'm thinking about M more. He's in the city now so I've been thinking about him more than usual, which also makes me hate him more. Maybe that's a good thing.

My hope is that this is the last painful weekend to revolve around Jack. Now that I truly, deeply know that it's over and want nothing more to do with him, I can start to move on from Jack and M and put my energy elsewhere.

As far as a therapist goes, I know there isn't necessarily strength in solving my issues alone. Sometimes I feel more equipped to do it than other times. But at the end of the day, as Raegan Fink says, I create my own sunshine and happiness wherever I go. I am amazing whether I have some random guy validating me or not. No one will ever understand me or make me happy the way I do.

And with that, time to enjoy the rest of my long weekend!














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