Summer/Sunday Scaries

I'm kind of sad right now. I want to cry but I'm not so sure about what. This past week has actually been pretty great--I went to NOLA for a last minute business trip, came back and partied the whole weekend. I saw Funny Girl on broadway. I got brunch with Raegan, went to a birthday party, made out with a cool Jewish guy at a club who now wants to take me on a date. Phillip spontaneously called me. 

But one thing DIDN'T happen: Jack. He didn't reach out, we didn't hook up. I called him last night at 2am when I was leaving the club, and he didn't answer. It's just so fucking frustrating and confusing when I want him all the gddamn time, and he wants me only when it's convenient for him. I've been dragged behind him for so long and I desperatley want out of this hysteria while simultaneously needing him every second and craving his attention. 

The problem is, I need someone else. Someone else is the solution. I haven't had sex with another guy for the past 6 months. I need to trust someone else, have feelings for someone else, feel the same level of excitement when they reach out to me. But to be quite honest, it's been an unsuccessful year in terms of dating. It's been (what I deem) quite a long time since I've had a boyfriend. Last night, I was so drunk, I thought about calling Matt. I've never been so close to doing it. Of course I can't do that. It's over with him. But the pit of sadness and loneliness sank so deep within me that I was beyond reason.

This isn't about Jack. He's just a bouy for me to hold onto in a sea of loneliness. He's been such an acute distraction from the bigger issue: I don't know how to be alone. I never did. So although I've been single, my brain has convinced myself that I'm not really alone, because I "have" him. But if this weekend was any indication, I really don't have him at all. It's all an illusion created in my head. And I need to be stronger than this.

Tonight, I'm sad, lonely, and feeling bad for myself. But tomorrow, Feral Girl Summer begins. I'm getting a haircut, I'm giving myself a mani-pedi, I'm going to play in my softball game, get dinner with Anna Jackson, have a great dinner reservation on Friday, workout, and cook. I'll even start a new book. It's hard for me to see it sometimes, but I have an amazing life and I need to take Mama Gena's advice and start living it--starting with my own pleasure!



EDIT:

I went back and read this (same night) and realized that my pas 5 or so posts have all been about Jack. I'm so much more than that dickhead. Now I'm resolving to make my next post about something more positive and exciting. goodnight

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