Everyone is Gonna Love Me Now

It's currently 2:07am and I'm listening to Everyone is Gonna Love Me Now by Ingrid Michaelson. It's describing me perfectly at the moment: "Maybe I can go away/where everyone is gonna love me now." It's just a song about wanting to feel loved. 

I crave the secure connection I had in a relationship and I'm starting to realize that it's been a while since I've had that. I'm in a complete downward spiral with Jack lately and have faced some rejections from other men that have had me feeling a little more self-conscious than usual. In addition, I have the suspicion that I've put on weight (even though I have not weighed myself to confirm it) and reckoning with not being as twiggy as I was in college is giving me serious self-confidence issues. At least my social anxiety has been doing better.

Pick apart

the pieces of your heart

and let me peer inside

Let me in

where only your thoughts have

and let me occupy your mind

as you do mine.

I only listen to Hearts a Mess by Gotye when I'm in the real depths of feeling lost and sad about a relationship or my love life. I know the easy thing is to pray for Gd to drop a guy in my lap and find me my husband, but I have to think that everything has a purpose, at least when it comes to meeting the guy I am supposed to end up with. Maybe barring me from seeing Jack tonight was meant to happen so I would into Henry, Maya's ex, in the east village. Maybe Henry seeing me will remind him of what he had with Maya and will affect things in the future. We're all part of a connected system and a lot of the time I have trouble zooming out and letting nature take it's course.

I had this whole thing I was going to say to Jack. It's now been 9 months since we went to the holiday party and I finally feel ready to confront him in a way I was never fully able to these past agonizing months. I knew basically what I was going to say and all my friends hyped me up. I even ran into him at a bar today (kind of on purpose) and he left before we could see each other. Then when I texted him tonight he responded quickly but said he was going to bed. 

It makes me want to rip my hair out. He makes me so fucking frustrated but then I shamefully realize that any guy I would actually want to end up with would worship the ground I walk on and make it known that he wants to see me all the time. I know Jack is not and will never be that guy. But for some reason something makes me want him on such a feral level (probably the unprotected sex). Still--what's so wrong about wanting something and getting it? I can't for the life of me fathom why he doesn't want me all the time and it drives me insane; and not in a good way. It's difficult for me to focus on other parts of my dating life when he's always the fucking priority--and the irony is, I don't even think I want him as a boyfriend

Or do I--fuck it, yeah, I probably do. 

I can't wait for the high holy days to roll around so I can cleanse myself of this flesh-eating situationship.

Back when we were still changin' for the better

Wanting was enough

For me, it was enough

To live for the hope of it all

Cancel plans just in case you'd call and say, "Meet me behind the mall"

So much for summer love and saying "us"

'Cause you weren't mine to lose

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