The Day of Atonement 2023

I guess it's become a tradition for me to journal on Yom Kippur. I have trouble with living in the moment and reflecting, so this day is an important one for me. It's 5:11pm and my fast will be over in about an hour, and I kept putting this journal entry off. I also feel so good when I hit "post" on an entry, but the procrastination to get my thoughts out gets me every time. I suppose more so today, since it's a naturally emotional day for me. 

Where do I even start about the past year?? It feels like a blur, but I know I've had many formative experiences this year that will shape me for the rest of my life and I will likely not forget some of them. We could start with all the romantic interests who have come and gone; starting with Xavier Westergaard in October, who shattered my heart in a quick and merciless way - Sean Haimowitz in November and December, who had me thinking I had finally gotten lucky with the "perfect" guy, only to learn in hindsight that someone's job doesn't make them perfect for you (I'm still learning that, don't get me wrong). Or Ethan Abraham, a wealthy finance bro who's subtle coolness had me falling for him before I realized that he wasn't good for me and only wanted one thing. And even still there's M, who continues to plague my dreams from time to time and who I had a phone call with in March (I think?) But by far the ring winner of my hysterical affections in 5783 is Jack Kussman, and I won't even go into detail about the whole story because I've done it way too many times. We've been on and off having sex for almost a year now and despite all that's wrong with him I've caught feelings and it's been driving me mad. I wanted to resolve this before the high holy days and I guess G-d threw me a bone when Jack reached out to me Saturday night, a day before Yom Kippur was about to begin. This was my chance to tell him how I felt, and that I wanted more. I felt nauseous in the cab on the way to his apartment. And right before we had sex I told him, "I don't think we should do this anymore." He acted like he didn't care, but the look on his face is etched in my brain because for the first time, he looked kind of hurt. I explained to him that this has been going on for too long and we either need to date and give this a shot, or stop seeing each other. At first he was silent, and I think he didn't know what to say or how he even felt. The hopeful part of me thought he might actually be considering it. But if I've learned one thing about Jack, it's that he will do pretty much anything except admit how he feels about me, about this. The conversation devolved into our sex lives and he subtly tried to get intel about who I've been seeing and having sex with. In the end he never really gave me an answer, but I'd like to think that the absence of a no might mean a "maybe."

Read that last sentence again. Isn't it pathetic? This is why I wanted to leave what we had in 5783, but to be honest I never had the strength. Sometimes I feel particularly weak and pathetic. When it comes to guys, I've always been weaker than I've liked to be. And lately, I've been jerked around by so many of them that I'm scared to open up to them, and I'm afraid to admit how I feel. It's exhausting. And it's affecting my self-esteem, and my believe that I'll ever really find an honest, exhilarating, secure love again. 

So as I zoom out and think about what I want to work on in the next year, in the context of Yom Kippur, I realize that I have not only sinned against others but also sinned against myself. When did I put my desperation for men above my own happiness? When did I criticize myself, my looks, when I should have been self-assured and confident? When did I feel socially awkward, when I could have trusted my ability to socialize around others? Confidence is a work in progress, and I find that as one element of self-critique fades, another grows to take its place. 

G-d, give me the confidence to be there for myself so I can be there for others. Love starts from within, and I could use a little self-love right now. Give me the strength to let go of relationships that don't serve me, even when it can feel like the hardest thing in the world. Give me the wisdom to know when I deserve better. Help me be a better friend, daughter, sister, and granddaughter. Imbue me with passion so I can bring more positivity to the world and the causes I care about. Lead me to care about the right, productive things.

As I head into the new Jewish year, I hope to re-focus and reignite my passions like cooking, working out, and reading, and de-center self-destructive behavior and thoughts. Gosh, it sounds exhausting just reading that! But I guess that's the hunger talking.

Until next year,

💗