I'm 24 Now and So Much Has Already Happened
I'm sitting here listening to my comfort album, Currents by Tame Impala - and funny enough, the song that just came on is Yes I'm Changing, a song about moving on and moving forward and welcoming change into your life. I suppose that's where I'm at during this very moment and season of my life. I turned 24 on Saturday! It's old and young at the same time. The pre-birthday blues were so so real, but now that the inevitable happened and I turned another year older, I've quickly accepted that I just have to try to make this year the best one yet.
The past two weeks have been so busy, chaotic for me emotionally as well as physically, and have certainly left an impact on my life. I know I won't be the same from this point forward, and I'm giving myself no other option than to think of it as a good thing.
The war in Israel abruptly started and it doesn't seem like it will be stopping anytime soon. This is the closest I have ever been to war in my adult life, and I know it's a privilege to be saying that because the war isn't even happening in my own country, or even on my side of the Atlantic. But it's affected me nonetheless, because I'm Jewish and you never forget your identity when it's constantly under attack. The emotions are many: shock, numbness, grief, community, anger, guilt (so much guilt - am I caring about the right things? Am I doing enough? Should I feel worse than I do? Am I educated enough? How can I possibly care about my birthday, my trivial love life when these horrors are taking place?). My emotions have begun to level out, but even that brings with it a sense of guilt because I know that as I silently move on, so many people can't. Despite all this, I have managed to feel closer to my Jewish identity, spirituality and community.
My birthday weekend also happened. I spent the entire week planning the most ridiculous, pink-blue-purple-themed house party complete with a spray tan, heart-shaped cake and sparkly blue vintage swarovski choker that my mom gave me last time I went home to Boca. The party was fit for a college-aged girl and I certainly looked like one too. In an well-written novel about coming-of-age this party would represent my unwillingness to relinquish my youth, and maybe that's true. And if I needed any reminder that I am still, in fact, young and living a fast-paced and exciting life with all the accompanying emotions, this weekend certainly proved that. To describe this weekend as an emotional roller coaster feels like an understatement. Without going into minute detail, which I have trouble doing sometimes, I'll list in bullet-point fashion the events of this week in chronological order. Though this method of story-telling seems unusual, I just came up with it in my marijuana-induced state and I think it will serve the purpose of being brief, comedic, and accurate. Here goes:
Julianna's 24th Birthday Weekend: A Recount
- I went shopping for my party at about 5 different stores and spent about $150
- I got little to no sleep throughout the week
- I tried to get in touch with Jack to meet and "talk" - to no avail
- I had dinner with Brooke at Au Za'atar (yum!)
- I call Jack with 2 minutes till midnight in an effort to end things but he interrupts me and insists that we talk in person and he will come to my party (yay!)
- I jump around and am absolutely ecstatic about this news (on cloud 9!)
- I barely sleep because I am so excited
- I wake up early on my birthday and make my cake
- I take the bus to brunch with my roommates - it is absolutely pouring outside, but who cares about the weather when Jack is coming to my birthday party! Who cares, who cares! I am giddy as a little girl
- I get a text from Jack that he no longer feels comfortable attending my party. At this moment I knew he was going to dump me (oh FUCK)
- Our brunch table isn't ready when we get there. We walk around in the freezing rain and I can't believe my birthday took a plunge this deep, the likes of which I haven't experienced in a few months at least
- I get home and start setting up for the party. I'm riddled with anxiety
- I convince Jack to come over and cut the cord befor my birthday party. I need to get this over with
- He comes over dressed stupid as hell (I told him he looked like a P.I.) but it didn't hurt any less when he told me he didn't feel strongly enough to date me. The conversation lasted about an hour but I think I handled myself well while also finally being honest about how I've felt about him for the last year. I'm proud of myself. I did all I could. Not to mention I was tanned and looking like a skinny fuckable goddess, I'd like to think he noticed that as I was calling him out for running away from any real form of intimacy
- He leaves. It's 3 hours until my party. I feel a melancholy kind of peace
- I have the best fucking birthday party ever and frankly, one of the best nights in New York I have ever had. My heart was filled to the brim being celebrated and adored in that way.
- Brandon Berger, my new "hot swimmer" that is likely the most attractive man I have ever dated, stays and we hook up
- We have sex for about 5 seconds before I start to sob because all the emotions about what had happened that day finally hit me
- He slept over and helped me feel less alone. It was a much-needed self-esteem booster and I can't apologize for using him as a "piece of meat," as he accused me of earlier in the night. Maybe I even like him a little, I dont know.
- I spend the entire next day cleaning my apartment and the true gravity of my emotional and physical tiredness was felt to the bone
- I continued cleaning today even as I went back to work (from home).
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