Pre-birthday Blues

Why are all my titles so damn depressing?? I guess it's akin to praying; many of us only do it in a time of distress, because theat's when we need it most. My birthday is now 9 days away, and I can't help but feel weird tonight.

I think it's a lot of things. I felt like just diving into the new book I'm reading to try to forget about it, but I think that writing it down might help me feel a little relieved of my burdens. 

First, I'm recovering from being sick. Just a cold, but I don't feel 100% yet and it kept me from going into the office this week, missing some socialization time. I also don't really have weekend plans yet, and I usually look to my weekend plans to give me some excitement and escape from weekly dread. On top of that, Maya might have strep throat, and I think she's mad at me for making her wear a mask in the apartment. I've apologized several times, stating that I wouldn't be so "crazy" about it if it weren't for my birthday party being a week away, and I want to be healthy for it. But, I can't help but feel like things are a little weird between us this week. She's been dating Aidan for almost two months now, and I know she's starting to like him more and more even though she won't admit it. She's been spending a lot of time with him, which I understand and can't blame her for, but it just feels weird that she's not single anymore. It's been a huge part of our identities here, being single, and there's a level of abandonment I feel with one of the roommates getting a boyfriend. Now, when I complain about Hinge, she gives me advice from a hindsight position; though it isn't patronizing in the slightest, I feel like she's now my coach, not my teammate. I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't jealous that she's into a guy who loves her so easily. I'm sure I could find a guy like that, but I just can't seem to connect with anyone who's right for me.

And that brings me to probably my biggest stressor (but what's new), my love life; made more urgent and apparent by the fact that my 24th birthday is looming and I haven't found a boyfriend in the city yet. Yes, there's more to life, but with a new milestone comes quiet, often subconscious reflections of where you could be, where you "think" you should be, where you actually are, etc. I unpaused Hinge today in an effort to force myself back into the dating scene, because if you're not on the dating apps you're accused of not trying. I guess I accuse myself of not trying too. But every time I get back into it I'm reminded of how abysmal the options seem, and it makes me feel like I'll never fine someone. I know this is bullshit--I've connected with several guys since moving here who I'd find pleasure in dating, call my boyfriend even--but the common thread is that they're emotionally unavailable. It frustrates me almost to the point of tears sometimes: Why can't I want what's good for me?? Is it me, or just the fact that I haven't found the right person? Questions, questions, questions. 

Underlying all of these things factoring into my current emotional state is the recent "breakup" with Jack. Part of me is in mourning because I know this is the end; but there is a delusional voice in my head that is begging me to yield to the temptation and somehow invite him to my birthday party, stage a run-in at a bar, or check his Spotify just one more time. It feels insane to be back on the apps chatting with strangers when I know that what we had was so easy, so close within reach. It felt like there was some type of soulmate shit going on there, but not always in all the good ways. And I'm not sure if he recognized it, or felt it, and I'll probably never know and that's the hardest thing to accept. So while I grapple with that, I have to be excited and open for the future, for 24. It's a little difficult sometimes. 

But I'll end on a positive note because a dose of gratitude never hurts. Tomorrow I send out the invites to my birthday party, which will be next Saturday, on my actual birthday, because lucky me my birthday falls on a Saturday! I have a few dress options but I haven't yet decided what I'll wear. This morning, as an early birthday gift, I ordered myself knee-high black platform boots that I'll wear with whatever dress I choose - and I booked myself a spray tan for next Friday too. I know I'm going to look spectacular and I can't wait to have the attention on me (can't I be a little narcissistic? No one will see this, after all). I'm going to make a heart-shaped cake and decorate it with m&ms, which will be a hit because I always serve cake at my parties. 

Maybe birthday's aren't so bad, after all. Maybe I can use this as a new beginning, a clean slate where I re-prioritize my happiness and wellness. Cheers to fresh starts, and 24. And hey, it's not a mid-life crisis yet!