Sunday Lonelies

What is it about this season that makes me feel so lonely? The temperature is dropping into the 60s and with it comes the anticipation of cuffing season. Maya has a boyfriend now, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it despite her being pretty good at maintaining her independance and still having fun with Annabel and me. Tonight I found out Aidan is taking her to a John Mayer concert on Tuesday and bought their tickets for $250 each. Sophie and her boyfriend are in Milan.

Meanwhile, I'm vyying for a guy who won't even buy me a single drink. It makes me feel incredibly lonely and sad. This weekend was basically the end with Jack. I gave him the ultimatum last Saturday night when he hit me up to have sex, and I was so nervous in the cab ride over I nearly threw up. But, I said my peace: we either date casually, or we don't see each other again. I guess he chose the latter, because he told Lance on Monday that it was probably over. Of course, I would never be privvy to that information as we don't communicate in the slightest. And when I saw him on Saturday at Lance's birthday party, he pretty much ignored me while also acting super weird. Fuck him for not giving me a clear message. But what I need to really understand and internalize is that I don't have time or energy for mixed messages. It's just better to walk away. And it fucking sucks that it couldn't work out. To me, our connection was palpable. But I know I can find it with someone else, and it takes me letting go of this to accept something better.

When will I deeply love someone and have it be reciprocated again? It feels like I've been waiting for a while now but I'd like to believe that it just isn't my time yet. I also know that these single years are an invaluable time for growth that I will undoubtably look back on fondly. I'm growing right now in ways I can't yet reflect on.

But G-d please, throw me a bone! But only if you're ready.

"The years teach much which the days never knew." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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