It's 2024 and I'm already out of control emotionally

2024 was seemingly off to a great start. I'm seeing a new guy, Jason Meisel, who Rabbi Dan set me up with. He's wealthy, cute, tall, smart, sarcastic, and isn't rushing into things while simultaneously showing steady interest in me. If I really want a boyfriend as badly as I say I do, this is the guy I've been waiting for.

I'm also trying to level up my cooking game and gut health this year, shooting for 30 different plants per week and an increase in my fiber intake. I'm already at 17 plants (it's Monday), and I'm excited to be making a 16-bean cajun soup tomorrow that will put me well past 30. My constant pusuit of knowledge served me well as I stumbled upon a Diary of a CEO podcast episode about gut health, and now I see things through a permanently different lens. Plus, I'm trying to lose ~3-5 pounds to get me back to 110, as I gained a little bit of weight towards the end of this year. I couldn't believe the self-hatred and identity crisis that ensued when I stepped on the scale and it read 115. I knew that the day would eventually come when I wouldn't be a size XS anymore, that my stomach wouldn't be completely flat in the morning and that my arms wouldn't be such sticks, but it shocked me how much of my self-worth was tied to it.

And that leads me to my next food goal - only eating when I'm hungry, and finishing when I'm full. And I'm proud to say that tonight, I did just that. Let me tell you what happened because I need to get it off my chest.

I've been talking to Sean again. After over a year of not seeing each other, I reached out and invited him to my holiday party (which of course he was too busy to go to), and thus ensued a talking stage that lasted the entirety of my winter break. We texted frequently, and called here and there. It was just how I remembered it. The witty banter, his calm, cool energy. The subtle ways he'd make fun of me, his eclectic music taste and sense of style. The fact that he's a real doctor! It had been a year, but we hadn't missed a beat. I told him I reached out in a moment of weakness and he said he was glad that I did, he had thought of me throughout that year too. We said we'd see each other when I got back to New York, but I was doubtful the plan would come to fruition.

Fast forward to Sunday, and the weekend had nearly gone by without a plan from him to see each other. So in a string of bad decisions, I called him and we decided to have dinner that night. It was a romantic, classy Italian place in the West village and we shared two vegetarian dishes which makes it feel even more intimate. We finished a bottle of chianti. He reclined confidently in his chair and his ease made me so nervous I stumbled on my words a few times. The conversation was flirty and we felt well-matched. Afterwards we took the Path train back to New Jersey and the journey home felt like a rom-com as we scurried through the cold, empty streets and he reached for my hand.

His apartment was just as I remembered it but cozier somehow, and as if it couldn't get any cooler we smoked a joint on his back porch that he lit with a match. We got insanely high and hung out on his couch, and he put the record player on but promptly turned it off when I asked him to change the song; Was he embarassed? Nervous? I tried to discern his emotions but it proved to be a challenge since I was also nervous and getting more high by the minute. Eventually we went up to his bed and the talk got flirty; when I couldn't take his provoking questions I hastily asked, "why don't you just kiss me?" and he leaned over me and started kissing me with a fervor and passion I thought I had forgotten existed until that very moment. If it weren't for the cotton mouth that dried us up rather quickly, I could have kissed him for hours. He kissed my neck, my breasts, and it felt like heaven. And when I told him he could go further he took off my thong and ate me out. The sex was decent, but being close to him was intoxicating. We took a break in between having sex and I played with his chest hair while we layed under the covers, skin to skin. It was pretty much like being waterboarded with an oxytocin cocktail. I was hooked. And when he walked me downstairs to catch my Uber and said goodbye, I savored each of his three kisses and knew I had to see him again. 

It's funny, though. Today I had the most insane anxiety knowing that there's a good chance this ends in sadness and heartbreak because I don't know if he's going to be able to be what I want him to be right now. But writing that encounter and bringing myself back to the moment, I feel peace that it happened and joy because I have the capacity to experience that again, even if it's not with him! 

But back to how this ties into my food goals. Tonight I was bored and overthinking. Things with Maya have been weird ever since she got closer with Aidan, and I haven't been spending as much quality time with my roommates. I watched the college football national championship game tonight (Jason was there), and made some hummus. It wasn't distracting enough. I thought about taking an edible but decided against it. And after I ate a good amount of hummus I wanted to "reward" myself with some more food, but then I paused and assessed: Am I really hungry? Or am I just bored, afraid to sit in the loneliness, afraid my sadness will swallow me up whole if I don't find an escape right now? A book I was reading at home, Women, Food, and God explains that sometimes we turn to food because we feel like nothing else can bring us happiness. When we eat when we aren't hungry, it's not really about the food at all--it's about the deeper issues we're unwilling to address.

My jealousy for everyone in a relationship while I still search for someone to form a meaningful partnership with. My restlessness from being in the apartment all day and having to watch it get dark before my workday is finished. My guilt about being away from home. My anxiety about not having a sense of control with Sean. Feeling overwhelmed and underfulfilled at work. These are hard emotions to face, but writing them down feels cathartic.

So with that rocky start to 2024, there are a lot of positives that I am going to take with my going forward. Focusing on my health. Having hard conversations. Doing things that fulfill me and make me feel whole. Letting go of comparison (that's a big one). Trying to take things a little less seriously (that's a hard one). Learning to love someone fully, but knowing when it's time to let go, and knowing that the pain will subside. Having fun with food, eating nutritiously, not bingeing so much at night, and stopping when I'm full. Continuing my pursuit of knowledge through books, podcasts, and maybe a few movies. Staying active. 

And of course, journaling! Good night and happy new year.