February 26th was a big day for me

Yeah yeah... I finally have a boyfriend and I can't believe I finally did it after it had been so long!!!

I just wish I didn't feel so anxious.

Jason is the guy every Jewish mother dreams of. 6'1. Handsome (I could confidently say he's an 8). Wealthy (extremely). Smart. Funny, good job, nice family, parents still together. But the thing that makes him different from the other guys I've tried to make things work with in the city is that he actually wants to date me. Or at least I think he does. That's my anxious attachment talking, or at least I think it is.

Anyways, he actually wants to date me. He took me to the perfect restaurant on Valentine's Day, wrote me a card, got me flowers etc. And when he apologized to me Saturday night for not wanting to officially date me yet, he couldn't have said sweeter things to me. He loves my personality because he tells me so, and he doesn't just think I'm hot (although he thinks that too). He's a true gentleman. He always gets car door for me after I told him he should've done it on our first date. 

There's a ton of growth that needs to happen for us to get to being in love, but I think it's possible for us if we both want to make it work. Today is the second day of being official and we haven't texted the entire day he was at work. I know work is important to him in a way that isn't as important to me, and I find it attractive as hell that he's a hard worker. He might act immature at times but Jason acts like a man and not a boy. Although it would be nice if he could appreciate the Jimi Hendrix song that just came on as I was journaling. I'll work on his music taste.

What's really frustrating is that you get to this point of trying so hard to get a boyfriend, you evaluate multiple overlapping talking stages at once and have at least a moderate amount of anxiety worrying about which situationship will turn into a relationship, and you go on so many mediocre first dates that you start to wonder if you'll ever find a boyfreind again.

And then, things start progressing slowly but steadily with someone. And since you're not used to things progressing this slowly, you kind of dismiss it. But even though you're kind of checked-out mentally, you stick it out because you know it would make everyone happy. 

But then one day you get so pissed off about a situationship that you realize no amount of chemistry is worth the sickening anxiety and stress of not feeling chosen by someone. So you cut it off and decide that rain or shine, you're sticking it out with the emotionally available guy. Slowly, though, you begin to forget about the other guys because you start to really like this guy (side note--you also like how he makes you come every time you have sex and knows precisely how to fuck you. He also has the perfect sized dick).

And by a series of events that I don't feel like typing right now, you end up 2 days into having a boyfrieind. And since he hasn't texted me all day, I'm falling back into my anxious ways. And I couldn't help but wonder,

"does the anxiety from a situationship simply disappear when you get a boyfriend? Or are you just slapping a label on the same situation with a different name? I wondered... when do the expectations change?"

Okay, I totally just went Carrie Bradshaw right there. But I guess when all else fails, turn to humor!